[Essay] Cat Owner Troubles #3: Keyboard Stomping
By Manager
Meowdy, everyone!
This time, I, Keybo de Fuminsky, will be answering the troubles of cat owners everywhere.
Today’s question comes from a triple-cat household in Miyagi Prefecture, from someone going by the name “I’d Rather Sniff Cats Than Sniff Gasoline.”
“My kitty keeps stepping on my keyboard while I’m working and it’s soooo, soooo annoying ❤️”
……
……
Right.
Yes.
Cats do step on keyboards.
And for some reason, they always seem to do it when you’re working.
They interrupt whatever you’re doing. Sometimes they even manage to send an email consisting entirely of “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,” thereby incurring the wrath of a valued client.
Yes. This is a serious problem.
But before we get into that, I need to ask you one thing.
My dear I’d Rather Sniff Cats Than Sniff Gasoline-san:
Are you sure you’re actually troubled by this?
The use of word “kitty.” The drawn-out “soooo,” followed immediately by another “soooo.” And then, of course, the heart at the end.
I’m not sensing a great deal of desperation here. If anything, I’m detecting a powerful current of “Please, everyone, look at poor little me and see how terribly my adorable cat is inconveniencing me.”
……The need for approval is a troublesome thing.
Oh, I have it too.
I use cats to get laughs on social media, after all. And when one of my masterpieces gets only three likes, I can easily spend an entire evening contemplating society’s tragic inability to recognize quality. Sometimes I even ask ChatGPT what was wrong with my photo.
There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting approval.
But this is a place for serious consultation. And if my precious time is being consumed solely to quench the bottomless fountain of your need for attention, well, that would make me very sad indeed. If it happened to be Sunday night, I might even lose my temper.
That said, I’d Rather Sniff Cats Than Sniff Gasoline-san, perhaps you really are deeply troubled. Maybe this is simply how you write. We mustn’t pass judgment on a person over a single heart emoji.
My apologies.
Now then. The keyboard.
There are many theories as to why cats like stepping on keyboards, and our forebears have left behind a considerable body of research on the subject. But if we are looking for the broadest possible answer, I would say this:
The keyboard is directly in front of the human, and pressing it causes the human to react with extraordinary intensity.
“Hey! Chibita! I’m working!”
“Whoa! Get off the desk! Don’t step on that!”
“WAIT WAIT WAIT I HAVEN’T SAVED THAAAAAAT!”
With the slightest touch of a paw, the human begins making strange noises, clutching their head, flailing their arms, and generally panicking.
Press a light switch on the wall and, at best, a light turns on or off.
Press a keyboard, however, and the human produces all kinds of highly entertaining responses. And the variety is virtually limitless.
From a cat’s perspective, this is an impressively sophisticated entertainment system.
In other words, to a cat, a keyboard is not an input device. It is a human control panel.
Your cat is not pressing the keyboard.
Your cat is pressing you.
Unfortunately, there is no absolutely foolproof solution.
No matter how much thought humans devote to the problem, cats will step on keyboards.
The human panics. The cat finds this amusing. The cat steps on the keyboard again. The human panics again...
And thus, the perpetual motion machine is complete.
It cannot be stopped. As long as there are cats, keyboards shall be stepped upon.
But let us return to the matter at hand.
Cats are not necessarily fascinated by keyboards themselves. They are simply inserting themselves between you and whatever mysterious thing you currently appear to consider most important and saying:
“Forget that. Look at me.”
Come to think of it, that is a perfectly respectable form of seeking approval too. The difference is that cats make no attempt to hide it. They do not disguise it as a request for advice. They do not soften it with heart emojis.
They simply want you to look at them.
So they step on the keyboard. That’s all.
Compared with humans, who struggle with their need for approval, become consumed by it, and eventually lose sight of themselves entirely, cats are refreshingly straightforward. I can only hope to achieve such purity myself one day.
A cat has never once doubted that it is more important than your work, your deadlines, or whatever terribly important task you happen to be doing.
And when you think about it, there is always someone in your home, right there beside you, who needs you with that much absolute, unwavering certainty. Seen that way, perhaps an email or two consisting entirely of “aaaaaaaaaaaa” is a small price to pay.
Of course, the job you lose because of it is never coming back.
Until next time! And don’t forget to check out our T-shirts, too!
Bye-meow!